Monday, 16 February 2015

The Moment I realised I was A Mum





The minute our midwife, Andrea left the room. It was well after 4am, i'd laboured for the best part of 24 hours, I hadn't slept the last three months of my pregnancy. I'd just pushed a baby out and thrown up my recovery tea and toast all over myself and suddenly, I was someone's mum. I only just learnt how to use a tin opener, I'm scared of the dark.. and now i'm somebody's mum?! isn't there some kind of  practical exam I should have taken? A written test? what's happening here?  Andrea........... come back?!

I was out for drinks with a friend and went to the bathroom to touch up my makeup. Instead of pulling out my Bare mineral's lipstick, I pulled out some Dentinox teething gel, and a bib (and not a clean one). My handbag has gradually turned into a second changing bag leaving just enough space for a tangle teezer/small makeup bag for my own purposes.

Having an audience 24/7- In the shower, getting dressed, sitting on the toilet. There is something so cringe worthy about Eva giving me a big gummy smile as she watches me shower. Sometimes she'll give me a  look, almost like she's judging me . Major paranoia.

Injections- "It's worse for the mummy!"  they tell you.
It sure as hell is. The first injection I swanned in quite confident I could hold it together. I had this.
To be quite honest I have a big needle phobia and was more concerned that little E would attempt to wriggle free leaving me with a puncture wound in the thigh.
There was no time for worrying about myself, the minute she felt the injection pierce her skin her bottom lip quivered, she wailed.
I got choked up, trying so hard to hold back tears. I've seen her cry plenty of times before, but this was different, she gave me a look that screamed out why did you let this happen to me, mummy??.
 In that moment there is absolutely nothing I wouldn't have done to take the pain away. Of course within an hour she'd forgot all about it, whereas I was still getting teary recalling the story to her Daddy later than night.

Someone throwing up on you perfectly sober:  I've tackled sick in my hair, my hands sticky with  the delightful combination of regurgitated carrot and salivia... and I don't even flinch.  It's so true, anything goes when it's your own child. Nothing a baby wipe can't fix. No use crying over spilt milk and all that.

A night out is a rarity, so a big deal is made. Fake tanning the night before, nails painted, eyelashes. I think I actually like the whole process of getting ready more than I like going out. It's so much better in theory.
In reality your feet aren't used to walking in heels anymore, one pre drink and you're hobbling about like Bambi, alcohol now puts to sleep and you look around you at the sea of singletons out to impress when all you secretly want to do is get home into your pjammas and get involved in a family size bag of Sweet Chilli Sensations. We went out for Valentines and as it was a Saturday night we walked into a bar and couldn't get a seat, a few years ago I would have happily stood. Now i'm all about comfort, why would I want to go to a bar to stand? stand?! I'm paying nearly £7 for this cocktail, I at least expect a seat with it.
Taaaaaxi!

My daughter: Even five months on I still find it extremely surreal calling the doctor to book an appointment for my daughter.

My daughter
sometimes I can barely believe the words are leaving my mouth.

This Morning: I once considered it 'off sick tv'. I would never willingly watch it,  it was simply just background noise as I curled up on the sofa clutching a hot water bottle awaiting a plate of sandwiches from my mum. (Those were the days) . Now, it's a routine, 10.30am and you bet it'll be on . The majority of my evening conversations with my partner begin with "There was this woman on this morning who....."  The poor man. It's a load of tripe, interviews of  a woman selling tickets to the birth of their child, people who claim they're too fat to work, a woman with a fear of snowmen. All excellent viewing.

Becoming a Philosopher: Since becoming a mum it has made me think about everything under the sun from my health, career, savings, the world in general. I hear stories on the news and it literally terrifies me that one day she will want to fly the nest and go it alone in the big, bad world.  If it were socially acceptable to get her chipped, I probably would. (I'm joking..... I think..)
I never thought i'd be thinking these things at twenty three, but I want nothing more than for Eva to have a comfortable, happy, life. I want her to always feel safe and never feel that she's alone . If I can do anything to make her life a little bit easier, I want to do it.

 I don't want to write myself off as being completely mumsy these days. Although my life has changed drastically in the last year I still like doing the same things I always have done. I still like going to gigs, going for cocktails, finding new restaurants, watching absolute trash (I'm talking about you Real Housewives Of Cheshire)  I'm still only twenty three. I may spend my afternoons with Mr Maker and prancing about the living room singing about the Jingly Jangly jungle... but in the evenings and little one is in bed, I have a little bit of freedom to do what I want, even if it just being sprawled out on the sofa scrolling through Instagram admiring everyone else's dinner.

I'm so happy to have the opportunity to experience being a mum, it's an absolute blessing, one that not everybody gets the chance to experience.
Had I thought about it beforehand, I might not have ever got around to it, I don't think I would have ever felt I was ready, financially, emotionally or even physically! but

 “Life always begins with one step outside of your comfort zone.”

and i'm so excited to be on this journey. 



















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2 comments

  1. I love this post! You've really illuatrated the difference between pre mum and post mum life. Nights out or even days out are so rare but I love the process of planning and getting ready too and its so true how tou become a philisopher haha

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    Replies
    1. Thank you so much for reading! I agree, it's all about the planning! then feeling knackered after it! xxx

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